silenced_script

Explosion.

I'm just one damn mess at this moment, again. Oy, it's not like it's anything new and I keep saying that I'm over it but obviously every year at this time it's the same. I want to get over it but I don't because getting over it means having to talk about it and crying over the same damn thing again. Over and over just like clockwork, you cry because it hurts then you keep crying because you know no matter what it'll always hurt and there is never ever going to be a point where you truly get over it. You never have and you never will.

I'm not pissed I'm just sad. I wish I could be pissed but I can't, it's just sad as hell to realize what's happened, when the closest bond is broken by simple things such as stupidity and ignorance. What's the point if it isn't a two way street and there is no meeting half way?

Sometimes, it's just what's the point... if there is any. Why? Then you think it all over and come back to where you don't wan to be, where you've chosen not to think, to leave it alone and wish for it to just go all away, for your convenience or for the sake of the sanity you've got left in you.

It feels like suddenly you're world has been turned upside down and you're the only one able to see it and feel it, wondering, if this is how it should be. You just want to crawl into a hole and ball up, stay in that position until you feel like the whole world has stopped beating up on you. And when it does you hope to God, it never happens again and if it does you wish that you're strong enough to get through it once more.

You get up and you stand tall, let everything pass you by as you always have. It's over and you're fine. You laugh and you smile. You'll live like you always have and you'll keep going because you have to, hopefully because it's you want to but that's up to you and if you want to stop pretending as if everything's okay when it isn't. Either way you go on as you always have...

So as of late I've been in "thinking mode" honestly, there's never point that I'm not. I guess this is just one big jumble of my thoughts. Why? Who the hell knows or maybe I just needed a little outlet and writing does that.

My early years, I won't talk about that. Let's say it wasn't your average childhood. No one ever stayed not even me. Hah! What the hell does that mean? As much as people left me, I also left, not my choice considering my family moved back out here. Not that I was with them the first time they moved here.

According to a parent[s], when I was 2-3 years old, I'd scare the poop out of them when I'd be asleep. Not that I'd stop breathing but the fact they couldn't find me. I had tendencies of sleeping in cramped, dark, small places. I think one example was a cabinet, I think maybe even a tiny corner they wouldn't think to look. I guess after a while, they had no choice but to wait it out until I woke up and start to walk around the house, then that's when they know I'm still alive or that I'm still in the house.

Lesson: It's easier to fake a smile than hide a tear. One thing I value in my life. I know enough not to try and hide tear[s] it's pointless, it shows. It's in your eyes and apparently it's the window to ones soul. Eh, who would have thought? So what do you do? Flat out look them in the eye. Why, because I can. Besides if I'm smiling they have no reason to believe that something is up, but not one of those really fake smiles you try so hard, that it looks like you're about to cry, they'll know. In that case just cry, don't smile.

It's rather interesting how much a person of such age knows such things. No regrets. Always the key, at least in most days. Some days, they'll bring you down because you know in your heart you do regret and those days you just want the world to disappear, so you close your eyes until you talk yourself into pretending your fast asleep. You never are, at least I'm not. Sleep is just a word that makes you think you're resting, it's never for the weary. It doesn't happen. Nightmares do though.

Peace of mind. It's a lifetime trial and tribulation.

We take things for granted all the damn time, most of all, feelings and emotions. We forget that we can still feel, whether it be pain or happiness we take that for granted to the most. There's people that are numb ass hell, oblivious to the fact that they cant feel anymore, not even pain. Rather sad really, I'd hate that, not to feel. I may be a kid that's angry as hell but at least I know I still feel. I'm okay with it, not being angry, but the fact that I'm not numb. I wouldn't want to be numb.

Most of the time I'm okay with things, well really every thing. I've realized, there's not a damn thing you can do about certain things but there's one thing you can control, your emotion. As said before, I'm an angry kid and that's what I was all of last year. Angry as hell, at every one and every thing. I didn't care then. I wasn't entirely numb, just not a care in the world and super angry, very angry in fact. What soothed me though or calmed me down was the one thing that raised my anger and showed it in extreme heights. Alcohol. My demon and angel. Bittersweet and tragic as it is, my savior and death, it was my best friend and enemy. Odd combination though when you don't know how to control it but maybe that was the point, I didn't want to. I just wanted every one to stop, for the words to stop coming, most of all maybe the world to just stop and leave me the hell alone and I would leave it the hell alone. Don't bother me and I won't bother you but apparently no one got the memo and bugged the hell out of me and kept telling me what to do or what not do in some cases. Ever bother to ask?

Morons, hah. Plain truth, there's a lot in the world. They aren't friends, just co-workers. Did I mention last year sucked? Not just work wise, though that brought me up the chain. Donkeys. Heh. Kept my mind busy. Kept my body busy. Moving, moving, moving. Oy, -sters. LOL. Back to the work related field of my job. So last year was a bomb. Made money though, which I didn't really get to see. So, my boss is a bitch, truly and entirely as much as she says she will and my co-worker think it to be, that she's changing, I doubt it. Not do I only doubt it but the fact reminds in my eyes that she will never ever change. As for co-workers, some will just remain, let's see, the nicest way possible, not the brightest crayons of the box. Did I mention I was angry. Yea, that blinded me, I was just too angry to care that they would never change. Realizing all this, work is actually cool. They don't bug me and I don't bug them. Besides, regardless what I do I'll always be put up in pedestal by all of them. So fall as I might, I have to catch myself as I catch their mistakes. I make them as well but mines aren't that much of a bother except for the fact, I flip numbers around, which is a no-no considering I'm the one charging people's cards, in my defense, at least it's just the cents part. Oh, and also, according to the boss I'm dyslexic, I could be or I just go to damn fast and my vision becomes blurred and just jumbles things around. All in all in this big mess of word about work, it's actually okay, besides in the word of the boss, it's ground hog day every day. Something always goes wrong, so you rather get use to the fact that "something always goes wrong".

Life is one big mess, a chaos of things. Stay humble if you don't want to stumble. Honesty and integrity holds you up and courage keeps you fighting. One thing always, believe, if not in yourself then miracles, if not, corny as it sounds love, in family and friends, even a lover. And not to get all religious, maybe a higher being. Belief. Hope. Faith. Find it. Keep it. Don't lose it. And if by chance, you lose that little light that guides you, make sure you look beside you, you'll never know who's standing there.

Tootles.

So supposedly it's suppose to be my car yet I have no say on what it should be. Then why the fuck am I gonna work my bone to the grind to pay for a car that I don't want? This money bullshit is crap. Money, money, money. No wonder I don't talk, it's sad that the only time my mom says something is when it's about money. Too bad you got one fuck up of a son that drained you of that, now the rests are left to pay. I'm tired, I really am. Fuck it, if they pick that car, I'm not helping out a dime. Is that selfish? Too bad for once I want a say in what I'm gonna be doing with my money that I worked hard for. I cant get a simple Honda because my brother wanted a bigger car to suit the family, fine, SUV, I agreed to that, MDX is the one I wanted yet now, there looking for other kind. This isn't just about a fuckin' car, this is about me being tired as fuck, working 6 days a damn week and now my hours being upped even more plus the Saturday. I'm restless with how it is and now, money, money, money. You don't see me spilling beans about it. Fuck, I know we have money, my oldest brother knows we have money, at least now he knows how much I put in. Nothing will ever go good. It's a sad fact I've learned to live with, now that's a sad fact.

Before I go crazy, as if I'm not already. Another year coming to an end and yet, it's the same as the years before. You ever analyze so much, you analyze your own life and nothing surprises yet, even if it's expected it still sucks and hurts just as much as if it weren't expected. One--Money isn't a issue to me, I work six days a fuckin' week and barely vent out and rant to anyone, I do what I do because I have to. Fine, if I need to help out the fam, I don't mind but to constantly haggle me like I don't do my part, fuck you. That's mean but whatever, I'm tired as hell, as if I'm not doing my part, not like I don't work hard for my money, I just don't sit on my ass, which I barely have time, hell I can barely sleep as is, that's nothing new though. So the might van might be broke as hell, my cousin owes me one-five, I need money for a down payment, all so gay. Blah, money makes your blood, tick, boil, waiver. Two--it's that time of the year, yup buddy, there's nothing to really look forward to, I guess as the year goes by it just gets harder and harder. Man, I don't even know when was the last time I actually loked forward to the holidays. Maybe when I was a young child, I remeber see pictures from then, it was good I suppose. Like I said, ever analyzed your own life? Let's just say, nothing is shocking and when it does happen it's still a big let down and what's worse is you're already in that "bad" place, doesn't seem like I'll crawl out of this whole in a while, maybe not even. How long have I been here? Doesn't matter anymore. When all you do is what you're told and not what you want, you've dug your own hole. What's worse than hell, one you've created yourself to lie in your own bed beside your own misery.

I might as well put it here. I haven't been able to sleep. Work is hectic and more adds in the personal life if you call it that. Fuckin' big mistake, stupid weekend, I can't blame the drinks since I drank myself drunk and can't remember most of the night, just little tid bits and now I'm fuckin' late. Blah.Now I'm just gonna wait and if not... I don't even want to think about it at all.

People need to forget the weekend that just past. For my sake thank goodness I don't remember much at the same time, I do remember... Yea I think I need to stay sober now ... wonder how long that feeling will last, knowing me not that long. I sound like a damn drunk.

This is dumb. Man, blah, shit, fuck. Stupid as weekend and stupid as alcohol. Actually that would be my fault, I drank too damn much and don't remember much like always, I guess things went too damn far this time. Poop.

So my mom just sked me to go see my brother and then even went out of the way to say it would make my father happy, to make me guilty. Fucked up shit, you don't see me crying a fucking river wanting to see my brother. Sorry he's an asshole and landed his ass in jail, his fault, all of it is his. He dragged people in this shit with his eyes wide open. I don't like bastard, he was never nice to me so why should I be to him? Maybe he was nice for a short period of time but as time went by shit changed and we argued a whole lot. I'm not chnging my mind even after my father's death it doesn't change the fact my brother is a worthless piece of shit. Is that mean? Too bad it's how I feel. Fuck sadness because I don't feel it, I just have fuckin' emptiness and anger to fill me up. I've got my lousy job, then I come home to that shit? Give me a break man, I'm barely living as is. This is my hell and I'm living it. Is that harsh? Well I'm pissed, more than pissed, angry, frustrated, those words can't even fuckin' compare. I don't cry because I feel hurt because I fuckin' don't my heart isn't there anymore, it's been gone, I won't cry because it's not worth it. MAD, ANGRY, UPSET, FRUSTRATED, FURIOUS... this is me. How I go, I still fuckin' wonder, I say alcohol. I'll drown myself in that shit everyday if I can, I honestly will, but I have reality, that I need money in order to get out of here. At least I haven't killed that much brain cells although I'll take pure insanity than living her. I'll give my sanity for anything else other than this shit, I'm willing to live in a mental institute, I'll fit there better.

Odd isn't it. I can't feel an ounce of guilt about my mom said, just a whole lot of anger, too much, I shouldn't be, she's my mom. I understand where she's coming from but no one bothers to see it from my point of view and I'm not gonna waste any more of my breathe trying to explain myself and how I feel. I am me, accept it or leave.

God, I feel like I'm losing my mind, I really don't know anymore, all these deaths this past year and my dad, I still haven't dealt with it and didn't want to so I let it, jsut did what people asked of me, not really caring where my head was at the moment. I just wanted to forget and I did, I drank did what I had to in order to forget all of it. But everyday is reminder he isn't here, just all these thigns that could have been said, should have been done. Sad thing is, I kinda saw his death coming, talk about analyzing right? I can't handle shit right now and I fell like I'm literally just gonna break all over again and I don't want to do what I did during my dad's 40th day, I inally let it out but all in the wrong way, I was drunk and was wasted to my head that I kept pushing peopel that tried helping me. I don't know and that's all I can really say... honestly I don't know anything and right now, I just want to crawl in that little hole again and just sleep... I haven't felt like this since the day we foudn out he was dead. He could have died some other way but he was away on vacation I guess I just can't forgive myself for not forgiving him for the things he's done... I don't know...

So our doggie died, doode, seriously WTF? Reminded me of the other deaths that pass through this year. Monday needs to go to hell. I don't even know what to say anymore.

-Outro.

So these past few days I haven't been getting a lot of sleep, actually let's just say months, hell even more, I just don't get much, then now, it gets worse, I'm tired as hell and get so damn sleepy that I do go and try to sleep earlier than usual so what happens? I wake up every damn hour starting from 4 up until I actually need to get up 7. What the hell, on top of that, I'm wide awake with little as sleep, so yes I'm grumpy and yes my temper is short, screw you and your dumb ass. Why the fuck shouldn't I yell at your dumbass if you don't bother to listen, every damn day I have to deal with your tiny little brain, sorry if the only come back you can come up with is for me to get married, hello clueless, you're my fucking problem, that your dumbass can't seem to pay attention at work. It's not that fucking hard, follow my fuckin' instructions and your set, but no you can't listen to one fuckin' word. She should get fired but then if she does, I'll have to do her fuckin' job. Lame.
Yes, I realize I'm pissed as hell, I'm more pissed than I am sad. Should I be sad? I guess I should but I'm really not. I haven't dealt with the fact yet and I'm not ready to, I know this so for now I'm gonna do what I'm good at and runaway from all the problems and all the things I should be dealing with. So I'm back to what I use to be, a fuckin' wreck, drink until I can't and when I can, drink again until you can't, an endless cycle I fuckin' like and I can deal with. It's who I am and it's who I'll always be. I've known this years ago and I honestly just dont give a shit anymore. I don't care for much, damn is that harsh? But it's how I really feel, am I depressed? Fuck no, people can kiss my ass, I'm just pissed at the fact that people always try to lecture me. Hello why couldn't you have lectured me before my dad died? Exactly, man it's just because of that, I've always drank, I've never talk, this is nothing new, I've been like this since when and suddenly now you want to give a fuckin' lecture how family is important, no shit it is but there's things called responsibility and bills. I need my fuckin' job inorder to help pay, so me spending time with people will be no help considering I don't fuckin' talk, drunk or sober.

I'm just tired, physically, mentally, emotionall, I'm fuckin' drained. It seems like everytime I try, I just fail not because I don't try hard enough it's because I try too damn much. Work sucks, co-workers suck, they're getting lazy and sloppy because they know I'm there to save their ass. I should just be a coldhearted bitch and let them be and let their ass get fired or at least have the boss have a say in the shit they pull. I guess that's where it all starts. I hate work so basically my mood goes down the drain as soon I step foot in there. My temper is flare, they're dumb as hell, one even admitted it, straight from her mouth, not mines, I'll say harsher things other than calling them dumb.
I'm sick to death of people asking how my mother is. If you're so damn concerned, call the house, call the cell or better yet, stop by the damn house and ask her yourself. I'm fuckin' sorry that my dad died and that I don't talk, that I don't talk to my mom, I just don't, I don't much and it's nothing new, so screw off with the damn lecture, I've always been this way. Why start now about that dumb shit as if everythings changed, nothings changed, things are just different and under certain circumstances some people aren't here anymore but that doesn't mean that suddenly everything will change, it's just not the same as it was.

I don't wear a halo. I don't stand on a pedastal. You made me who I am and put me where I don't belong. I'm not perfect, never said I was. I'm not who you think I am, therefore I am not. I'm imperfect, always will be. I've worked hard to get where I am, nowhere. Sucks as does life. Over-rated and over-used, yes indeed. I have it better than others, can't complain there. Bitch about something then do something about it. Other than that hush your mouth where it belong unless you're ready to step up to your own damn words. Mean? Yes. Fact? Yes. Cruel? No.

-Late.

He did it, I still can't believe it. He fuckin' did it. Man I look back and it's still crazy, it's still unreal. It just doesn't seem true. We didn't even have the chance to pay our respect or say good bye to him. It's bad enough that he commited suicide but not to give his friends a chance to see him one last time sucks. I can't say I was close to the guy but I still remember the last time I saw him. It was a party and he wanted me to talk to my brother, to see the significance of what we have, honestly my brother and I just don't get along and won't be anytime soon. With all these deaths around me, I know I should change my attitude towards it but I'm not going to, he's a total dick. To the point of this all, I'm not even sure. Death sucks, day by day it doesn't get any easier and each one that comes by doesn't make it any less painful. I've lost so many people and each one was just as hard and if not even harder. I've lost both grandpa's, one of my grandma's, my dad and a third grandpa who really isn't my grandpa but someone who took care of me when I was younger so technically he was sorta like a dad, and one of my real grandpa's he took care of me too, and I still remember the day. I forgot my age but I remember that day. Someone had called it was just my parents and I on the phone, as soon as I heard I left, I went outside and sat on the steps... I just stared at the blank wall, for the first time I felt numb, just completely lost. I even remember my grandma's funeral and I was just about 3 or so. I remember each fuckin' time when I heard about their deaths, each time, a numbness came through me, honestly now I don't even know shit anymore and the scary part of this is all is that I don't give a fuck.

So what did I do this weekend? Friday, drank until, well of course until I was drank as hell and don't remember certain things that were said. My friend wanted to get me drunk and of course I let her, dumb move but do you know what's even dumber? The fact that I drank the next day and got only two hours of sleep. Still the weekend was fun, just chilled and had fun. No drama except for that one little teeny tiny part when someone went crying about her past love or is recent since she can't get over him...well I tried helping, drunk as hell and here I am trying to console someone. Not that I minded but uhm...it's weird, I can't really make the guy talk to her if he doesn't want and that's what I told him, talk to her if you want or don't if you don't want to, I wont force you. From what I heard the next day, she didn't show up at work. That was the weekend, lost 3 bucks in crap, had fun, it killed a couple hours or more.

A set of eyes watches closely. It stares hard and moves around as I move. It follows me then stops when I stop. I move my head but the eyes stays and prods into mines. It is my reflection and I see an empty space.

Peace of mind, nowhere to be found, not in sight, not even close.

For some odd reason that word popped in my head. Not sure why and I'm too tired to think. I should sleep but really, there's kind of no point, it's a damn cycle of me not wanting to. Being awake sucks, being asleep sucks. I get freakin' nightmares about my dad, I keep getting the same one, where I'm arguin' with him. I honestly don't even know how to deal, after all this time, I still haven't. I won't lie, I know I haven't, it still hurts...a whole lot really, I hate the subject of, I just get pissy when someone brings it up. Bleh. You'd think I'd know how to deal considering of the things I've been through, but being so young I just didn't know how and I still don't. I'll shut my mouth now. Later.

So, I don't really have much to say, nothing out of the ordinary, just the fact that I'm not in the mood to talk. Today sucked and I'm guessing the rest of the week will. I have to work OT again. I can use the money but I'm not really in the mood anymore. Only thing I'm looking forward to is Friday, I'll be honest only because of the drinking.

I don't want people to worry but I know they are, no matter what I do they're gonna worry. I just don't want to talk about the subject, it's not like I'm super sensitve towards it but it's something I'd like to avoid. I guess that's all, like I said I'm not really in the mood for anything.

EDIT: just something or nothing...
A set of eyes watches closely. It stares hard and moves around as I move. It follows me then stops when I stop. I move my head but the eyes stays and prods into mines. It is my reflection and I see an empty space.

What if I told you that I was okay would you leave me alone? What if I told you I'm braking into pieces would you be there? I guess I don't really have a point in all this other than the fact that I don't want to talk about it. It happend, I get that, I accepted it. I just don't want to talk about it. Not much really other than just want to be left alone. I'm not a child who needs to be looked after. I'm not fragile that I'll break at any given moment. I don't want to be asked if I'm okay, the obvious answer is I'm not, I'm just trying to deal but I can't if everyone is suffocating me with all their worriedness (not even sure if that's a word, oh well). I'm not trying to be mean but I just need people to lay off.

Fear.

There's that fear, that eats at you, that makes you believe...for a moment, that it's all that exists. When fear kicks in you're screwed until you get over. I realized fear has been my number one enemy, everything I haven't done was because of fear and the things I've done was out of fear, that I'm too scared. So jump over it or roll over it but do what you have to just to get over it. It's not easy but easier than to keep living in regret. Life is full of it and you don't another one hovering over your head.